Now your Gone...

at least for the summer. I guarantee any one of you that is reading this that througout the summer he will contact me. You do not know this child like i do. He is relentless and will not stop til i make it clear i do not hate him anymore. Sorry buddy those are words you will never here. The second we get back to school and see eachother out there is no douobt in my mind that the fighting will begin again. Why? because you and me are the same person and we always have to make our points clear. You point: that you do not want me out of your life as a friend. My point: i do not want you in my life period. Its sickening how with one text from you and my body gets so angered that i shake. I can never fathom the idea of ever even befriending you let alone anything else. I have standards which clearly you do not.

Other than that, something is definiatly wrong with me but i don't know what. Guess that is what doctors are for.

on a deep note. There is something definiatly missing in my life. yes we all know what it is. But i think it is stupid to dwell on it. I do not think i will find anyone here, simply because the two people who i had something with up there were perfect for me in different ways. Guys like that just do not exist here. I have never been so happy then i was when i was with those two people. Even though one made me much happier than the other it is a feeling none of the tools here came close to making me feel. I don't think anyone could understand how the first one made me feel unless you saw us together. It was sickening. Disgusting. I never knew i could even get like that, and to think it all happened not even two weeks of leaving jersey. Odd. I did not think me of all people was capable of feeling like that. I really do have a type and am not happy unless i am with that type of boy. The boys here do not fit that model at all.

To be honest i dont even know what i think anymore.
I am happy.
I am home with the people who matter most.
I do not dwell on things i lack. That is why i can say i am happy. Yes something is missing, but i know that something comes when i do not look for it, and to be honest that something ios not going to come til i am back up at school.
Theres alot of things that happened up at college that no one really knows but those things def. made me a different person.
I'm happy to say that luckily i do not despise the male gender because of the boys up at college. I must say i do hate only one there, but to be honest i can say that he did nothing wrong, that whole situation was a my B..because i lacked the patinence and couuld not control my stupid spitefullness and horomones. So really i should not hate him...but i do. I feel like i did more wrong to boys up there than they did to me. To be honest 99% of the time i was not with those boys i myself acted much like a boy. I wen through a phase where i would not hook up with the same boy.

it became an addicting game, and entertaining one at that. That was dumb and being on the otherside of the spectrum taught me a lot of things. But mostly it made me ready to be a serious person. Isn't that what freshman year is for though? I know i regreted being so close to one person so early on in my freshman year but i sure as hell made up for it. My stupidity made me a stronger person. It also matured me in the way i viewed boys. Sure i use to believe that love did not exist i use to be against anything romantic. I changed. I no longer think like this.

I am in no rush to find something serious but this time when it comes around i will not count it out right away. I have had my opportunites. I have either been shallow, naieve, or just knew how to do the right thing to screw it up. No more. I am going to think things out more. I am going to be more aware of my actions. And most importantly i am not going to be spiteful anymore. If there is anything i have learned it is that i need to be patient. If i just waited things out and not been spiteful trust me, i would be in a different postion now.

I know who i am.
I know what i like.
If you dont like me...frankly i dont care.
I know what i want.
I know where i want to go in life.
and I know the people who love me and matter most for me will never turn their backs or runaway.

end.