Lost

Why do people turn to drugs in their weakest moments as thought it is actually going to help them rather than hurt them. The sorrow that is consuming my life at the moment is unbearable. To know someone i love so much is changing so terribly because of a stupid substance is heartbreaking. I have to stop it, but i also have to not care. I literally cant chose the path i need to take. One leads to sorrow and one leads to a lost battle.

Why does caring for people have to be so hard. When someone has hurt you so bad, due to this substance abuse, do you over look it and help. Or is this who they have become now. Lost.

Change is Changing

There is something different about this year.

I feel like I'm over this part of life. Don't get me wrong i love college.

I could stay here forever. Lately though, I want to see what it's like

outside of the education world. The real world. Not the sheltered bubble

of a campus that I have been in since kindergarten.

It’s all the same. Everyday. And as much as I love it and the people

That surround me, of whom I wish I will always be around and around

Me, I feel like there is always one person with the same problem. The problem

Travels like a freaking virus from one person to the next. Multiply that with all the different people and all the different problems there is just always so much shit going on all of the time. There can never and will never be a time where everyone is happy all at once. And that breaks my heart. Seeing a friend miserable over heart break, miserable about someone they are around everyday, stressed over school and ready to quit, or just girl drama that every new day faces, just breaks my heart. Yes I myself am guilty of feeling like this from time to time. And that is life. But what would it take for just ONE day everyone that surrounds me to be happy. Just an hour. A minute. Not even a second would be possible. It just sucks.

I don’t even know how to define happiness because I do not see anyone who truly can say they are 100% happy. Why. Why is it so impossible for humans to be happy. We always want more, need more, need pity, need, want, need, want. Humans kinds suck don’t we. Kinda, Sorta. Yea.

Ugh I sound emo and dreary and that whole “shpeal” wasn’t even about myself. I guess what this blog is for. So hmm now about me. I am “happy”. Whatever that means. I do miss my friends who are abroad and it’s definitely putting a damper on my personality. I feel like a half of me is in another country, and therefore I am incomplete at the moment. It isn’t really affected anything more than my inner self. Obviously I don’t let it show on the outside. Hell people probably would never even guess, but it’s there. I’m just good at hiding it. It’s weird. I never realized I depended on people that much. Then when I do not the ability to walk over to their residence at a moments notices on a daily basis you notice it. I feel like I do not vent as much, and that makes things build up. Which ultimately is probably why I am writing on here after what eight months?

Vent. Vent. Vent. Right now I feel underappreciated. I am doing EVERYTHING to make someone feel better about a really shitty situation right now. And I feel like it’s as if I am doing NOTHING. Said person is not good at showing their emotions and what’s going on in their heads but STILL…

Had to let that one out.

IDK what else is on my mind at the moment.

I am pretty sure that this is the first time I haven;t written about some dumb boy drama in my life. NICE.

round and roud

Ugh last night was a total set back from everything.

I worked so hard to push this shit away.

And one little fucking night takes those months have hard work away.

Girls just can't win.

WTF is a girl to do.

I am beyond confused as now.

Plus I am in possession of his stupid hat now.

So I am going to have to see him, and I do not know if that is a good or bad thing.

Why cant this all work out or go away, not mess with my mind BOO.

xoxo

Here's to the future

I suppose it is about time i greet 2010 with a writing.

It seems that i have been to busy to let my feelings go on this.

Since the year has begun lots has happened, as per usual in the life of gabrielle.

Sadly i went into the new year being hopeful for something from the past

to come back into my life. I say sadly, not because it did not happen, but because I

realized that he is not what i want.

I know that to some, things in life do not work out as planned.

I know that to some, luck is just not their friend.

I also know, that if you want something you do not give up.

This does not pertain to the boy, at least in the way you believe.

Lately all i can think about is my future. How i want to be successful, and how

i know exactly where i want to be and when. I have aspirations and have every

intention of fulfilling them although I know the path will be bumpy.

I can not say that who I thought my life would be unhappy without feels exactly

the same way of his own life. Which is why I come to be disgusted with myself

when thinking about how he is all i wanted.

I find people believing in themselves less and less as my years pass. This goes for my friends

and family members alike. Conversations heard from crowded places show me that even strangers have these similar feelings.

I do not understand it. I have to say, until a week or so ago, I was not my normal self. In a way i could say I gave up on myself. Not subconsciously but just on the outside layer of my mind. Why did i feel this way. Well after much pensive contemplation i realized there was nothing to make me feel this way, only myself. How do i know this to be true?

The answer is simple. Once changing my mindset, getting my "swag" back, my life feel right back into place, I realized no one was treating me differently, my mind just process things in an odd way. If there is one thing that I have learned in my twenty years of being on this planet. It is that Confidence is what wins people over. I don't care if the prettiest celebrity in the world is standing next to me in a room. I know she is beautiful, I know men swoon over her, but i also know that I am beautiful. That is not meant to be deciphered a self-loving comment. No, it is meant to simply show, that I do not care of the outside worlds thoughts, only my own. For when we let people's judgement to start to enter our mind, it will consume it, it will take over. It is not ignorant to ignore these comments of people, quite the opposite, it is wise. People in this world will try and tear you down, and the first step to that process is to attack what we know to be their weakness.

When we show the world our vulnerable spot, game over. I will bet you, even the most confident person you are acquainted has their times of doubt. If only you could look into their mind, in their hidden most secretive part of their mind; there locked away in a small portion is their fears and doubts. Locked far away from those who with the right information could tear them down.

So this is simply why I realized that we need confidence, it attracts people to you; and honestly in my own little way i conducted an experiment to my hypothesis and found it to be true.

Why did this deviate into confidence from my boy sorrows? Simply because this fellow lacked that very thing. Confidence. Sure. He had it in his appearance; sure that means something. However, he lacked it in his life and the ambition to be more than just what he was already.

I know in my past I have only judged boys just based on their looks. I do realize, though, that i am growing up. I do want a nice looking fellow to be standing next to me, but one who has confidence in who he is and what he is. Not just what he looks like.

Well blogging world, that is all from some time.

Until we meet again

xoxo

Bye Bye 2009

Thank god your over, you cause way to much shit for one year!!

Now i leave this year with:

- my tonsils gone which is cause for celebration itself

- A more positive outlook on 2010

- a new outlook on many people

- a new outlook on myself

- and many wishes that hopefully are fulfilled with the new year =]

New Years Resolution : hmm cant make that one public

New Year

Thank god its time for a new year, a new beginning.

2009 i am so over you!

Im ending with getting rid of an annoying problem and going into the new year, refreshed.

Fall...

With each new one the pain of the last seems menial.

With each step forward the past seems to dissipate.

Yet somehow, it is all one gigantic circle. Each time leaving me baffled.

You are all the same, yet your all different.

And somehow i do not blame all of them. No, instead i blame myself.

I feel as though as soon as one is becoming amazing i subconsciously

do something little by little to make them go away.

Now after this i know exactly what it is, all those times i blamed them,

wished bad on them, wished for their misfortune...it was all for nothing

each and everyone that i thought has wronged me really were ones with good hearts.

I know this cause to this day i know most of them well still, even if we are not close

it is a small world, life is easy to see these days.

As the leaves change on the trees i feel myself changing as well.

These events that mean nothing to my life, the ones that in years to come

will just disappear, even of they caused me much sorrow, so why dwell on them now.

Why not just look to the future and forget it.

It all happens for a reason.

In the past i dwellled on it all, i looked in the rear view mirror instead of the very world in front of me.

Not anymore, that is just not the life i want to live or the person i want to be.

My time will come, my happiness will come.

Apparently i am not ready, even if i thought i was.

I am still a soul looking to be wild and free, i want to go have fun.

I am young and want to use my youth to the fullest

I want to live while i can, while i can still not be a serious adult

time is still left and deep down inside i have believed this all along.

The only reason i wanted anything was because it surrounds me in this setting.

It seemed to be the only thing i saw, but on the exact end of that theres less of it then

i thought, i must learn not to focus on it.

The most amazing people have entered my life up here, so why let one change my happiness, this past weekend i have never been so happy to be with my group of college buddies, it was as if this weekend we all really said outloud how this is our little group and we all love each other, we even gave eachother roles and i love both the guys and girls to death. I know that through college and even after these people will be with me. They are my constants so i will not let one rotten seed distort my perception on the whole bunch. Even to patch things up with the old one and joke as we use to is the most amazing feeling in the world

of course nothing compares to my friends at home, in recent weeks it really hit me how we all have completely separate lives, we can go weeks without talking, but when it comes down to it we will return home, to what has been familiar for so many years, and go right back to where we left in August. Yes the not talking thing is bizzare, but how can it be prevented.

Finding this new group helps me get through things all the more, because other than the three i know i will be there through thick and thin, it is still good to know that there are more people out there, that they are not all bad.

I will not let things so minuscule to my life bring me down.